Embrace the Suck

Turning Despair into Fulfillment

A common phrase in the Army is “embrace the suck.” Embracing the suck is about enjoying the process of working through difficult challenges or situations. This is common in the military, where circumstances are often beyond your control. However, you always have 100% control of your attitude. Embracing the suck is when you remind yourself and those around you to have a sense of humor and have fun, especially during the tough times. Seeing the positive side of a bad situation helps you push through to get the results you want.

Some of life’s most valuable lessons come from its hardest moments. Whether it's the burn of a grueling workout or the twists and turns of an unpredictable day, every challenge offers a chance to grow stronger. My co-author, Jay Tiegs, and I have trained and raced thousands of miles together, both on bike and on foot. Along the way, we discovered the power of pushing through discomfort, finding laughter in tough times, and learning how to truly enjoy doing HARD things. Both in the military and in sports, we’ve seen the same truth time and again: when you choose to embrace the suck, you don’t just endure it—you thrive because of it.

The same perseverance and humor that help soldiers and athletes overcome tough situations can be applied to chasing ambitious goals in life. When you are driving toward a big goal, usually 90% of the process sucks and less than 10% of it feels rewarding. But you can’t get discouraged too soon when things don’t go as planned. You have to laugh a little at your mistakes on the way and not be too serious.

The Emotional Cycle of Change shown below helps visualize the feelings you go through when working toward a difficult goal. Don Kelley and Daryl Conner developed this cycle in the 1970s and it has been used in many industries to explain the concept of “the suck,” which is the valley of despair at the bottom of the curve.

Source: The 12 Week Year by Brian P. Moran

This chart has been applied to everything from technology development to the emotions felt through the learning curve. I use this cycle to pinpoint where I am emotionally while doing HARD things. This way, I can see where I am on the curve and gauge how much effort I need to put in to start seeing results, giving me a boost of hope. Riding this emotional roller coaster is something you just have to deal with as a human being, and you need to know where you are in the cycle so you can brace yourself before things get rough.

You usually start working on a new project or goal with excitement and uninformed optimism. You’re leaning into your curiosity. Yet, quickly you start to lose confidence as you learn the difficulties involved and enter the stage of informed pessimism. Eventually this pessimism brings you deep into the valley of despair, aka “the suck.” But if you keep on working hard, you reach informed optimism and finally success and fulfillment. The real challenge is to embrace the suck as you make it past informed pessimism and through the valley of despair. Sadly, most people give up during the toughest phase and miss the chance to achieve the true rewards of their hard work.

The valley of despair is what holds people back and is the most demanding part of the cycle. When you are struggling to make it through a daunting change or transition, this is where you want to quit. The valley of despair is essentially a mental barrier. While working to accomplish a goal, it is the pessimism creeping in and telling you that you won’t succeed. When making a big change in your life, the valley is you realizing that it is easier just to continue with your old ways. These thoughts are your brain trying to take the easy way out. You have to leverage your courage and hope to push yourself through the valley and embrace the suck.

When you're competing in a sport, there are only two real options: win or lose. Yet, during these moments, your internal monologue can feel bipolar. One part of you is confident and ready to win the next point. The other part is scared and feels like an imposter. It’s like you have an inner voice with a megaphone screaming, “You aren’t ready! You’re going to screw this up!” The monologue in your mind plants seeds of doubt. Serena Williams has referred to her inner battle as silencing the “doubt demon.” This inner battle is a constant tug-of-war between the doubt demon trying to hold you back and your confident inner voice pushing you toward success.

Every person has some variant of this doubt demon, and sometimes it is squawking in your ear like an annoying protester. Know that negative voice is there, acknowledge it, turn the volume down and don’t let it win.

Courage is what allows you to overcome those irrational fears that pop up as you move through the valley of despair. In Eileen Lenson’s book, Overcoming Adversity, she describes three components to courage: your head, heart and feet. Your head keeps you focused on the goal you desire to achieve. Your heart deals with all the emotions like fear, doubt, and uncertainty. Your feet either want to run away due to the uncertainty, or to stay and fight. You have to take charge of these aspects of your courage and climb out of the valley of despair. To push through the difficult moments, sometimes you have to see stressful events or obstacles as challenges instead of threats. Then you get your head, heart and feet aligned to move you in the right direction.

Hope is the other ingredient that gets you through the valley of despair. When you work toward a realistic goal with a clear path and self-belief, hope will guide you. This belief in your ability to continue moving forward is what enables success. When you have enough hope, you have exactly what it takes to embrace the suck. Your vision of what lies beyond the valley becomes a powerful force, pulling you forward like a magnet and giving you the strength to overcome adversity.

When exiting the valley of despair, you begin to see the payoff or even start to reap the benefits of your hard work. This is like seeing the light at the end of a tunnel. Now, not only will you have a clear goal in mind with some sort of reward, you’ll also start seeing something concrete that gives you even more motivation. Your hope grows as your vision comes to life. As you pass through the stage of informed optimism, you know exactly what you need to do. Then you reach a state of flow where you are accomplishing your goals and reaching fulfillment.

Achieving goals means you’re winning, so savor these moments because you earned them. You should acknowledge the feeling of satisfaction of overcoming adversity. The tough days in the valley of despair make the success and fulfillment at the end of the cycle feel so good. It’s also great to look back and laugh about the rough times. This reinforcement is excellent for your mind. Remembering those experiences teaches you to enjoy the short-term stresses because you know that you will have long-term rewards. Embrace the suck by understanding where you are on the emotional cycle and choosing to have a positive attitude the whole way through.