Avoiding Toxic People

Managing Your Dunbar Number

Do you ever get worn out by the negavity of others? Do you find yourself yearning for interactions with people who invigorate you? With limited time and energy for socializing, it's crucial to focus on connections that truly enrich your life. My buddy, Jay Tiegs, and I are tackling this issue in our upcoming book about living intentionally and maximizing the quality of your relationships. The big challenge we are often faced with is: how many relationships can someone actually manage at a time?

One answer to this question is known as “Dunbar’s Number,” proposed by Robin Dunbar, a British Anthropologist. His theory says that you can only maintain about 150 meaningful and stable relationships. There are examples of how this plays out naturally everywhere. Hunter-gatherers used to work in groups of less than 150. Corporations have found they have problems managing teams in buildings with more than 150 people. Military units often use company size elements around 150 people. Anything beyond that and there are issues with span of control. 

Using Dunbar’s number is a great way to evaluate the capacity you have for a relationship and to determine what category a person belongs to. While categorizing people might sound controversial, especially when governments do it, in your personal life it is prudent. The number 150 doesn’t have to be an absolute, but it serves as a useful reference.

You can imagine the categories of your relationships as different parts of a tree. Your family and significant other are like the roots that hold you in place. Your closest friends and the people you are with on a daily basis start to form the base or main trunk of your tree that breaks out to branches. Outside of your friends and family are your branches of acquaintances. These are the people you work with, share hobbies with, or someone you know but are not super close to. Acquaintances include old friends you haven't spoken to in a while and anyone you know who isn't family or a close friend. Outside of your list of acquaintances, you have new connections. These are like leaves at the end of branches that may or may not stick around. These are all the people whom you just met. If you foster an ongoing relationship with these new connections, they might eventually turn into branches instead of leaves.

Think about how your tree works. Your deep connections are the roots which provide stability. The roots bring water and nutrients to maintain your tree's health, and they keep it firmly planted during storms. Your roots are the people you hold near and dear to your heart and should make you feel fulfilled. Some of your stronger connections are like branches. The branches hold the leaves and assist in the nourishment of your tree. These are strong people in your life you grow close to and depend on. The branches blow with each passing storm of life, but sometimes they break off, which is like the end of a strong friendship or an intimate relationship. A branch breaking off gives an opportunity for a new one to grow in its place. Many people in your life will be like leaves. The leaves add color to your life. These are people whom you meet at work or through friends. They might be casual acquaintances and usually come and go with each season. 

It is important to understand that not everyone has the same access to your time, attention, or influence over you. Similarly, you only have a limited amount of influence on others. As you move outward from the roots and trunk of your tree, your level of trust and communication decreases. These two forces act like water and nutrients to keep your tree alive. Trust strengthens the quality of your relationships. It makes people believe that the interactions are genuine and have confidence that the positive relationship will continue. Communication is what keeps relationships going, and it includes all the interactions that feed a relationship. You have to be careful with how you communicate and the amount of trust you give, just like you must balance the water and nutrients to keep your tree healthy.

Sometimes you also have to prune your tree to make room for growth. When you prune a fruit tree, you have to make a decision where to cut different branches. This is similar to actively planning your social calendar or saying “no” sometimes. On a tree you trim the branches that are starting to droop because they will become weak and weigh down more as they bear fruit. Those heavy branches are like people who are negative and pull you down. You might also prune branches that shoot straight up, as they lack strength and stability. Branches growing too closely compete for resources, preventing them from reaching their full potential, much like relationships with too much rivalry. You also prune the branches that grow inward because they inhibit growth and represent selfishness. This is like avoiding negative and toxic people, gossip, or those who don’t respect your boundaries. Regular pruning keeps your tree healthy.

How do you identify the toxic people whom you need to prune from your life? My favorite author, Robert Greene, suggests looking for patterns of behavior that consistently harm or manipulate others, like spreading negativity, creating unnecessary conflict, or undermining others to elevate themselves. Building on this, I define a toxic person as someone who engages in activities and behaviors that are manipulative and destructive. The challenge in avoiding toxic people is knowing what to look for and spotting these red flags. 

The hallmark trait of toxic individuals is extreme narcissism. We’re talking about people who are not interested in helping you but are instead hyperfocused on looking out for themselves. They often lack empathy, have a sense of entitlement, and need constant validation. These people will drain your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical energy if you spend enough time with them. They can have a tremendous impact on your health by adding stress, fueling anxiety and even steering you to depression. Below are some common things toxic people do that you can use to identify them.   

M: Manipulate facts, making you question your reality

A: Always expect you to be available, while not reciprocating

N: Never admit to being wrong

I: Instill doubt, leaving you feeling confused

P: Parse words to twist meanings for their own benefit

U: Use silent treatment and stonewalling to avoid confrontation

L: Leave you feeling drained or anxious

A: Avoid emotions and accountability

T: Tear you down with criticism and belittling

E: Engage in triangulation, involving others to create conflict

You don’t have to put up with people treating you this way. In return, you have to avoid being the toxic one in a relationship.